tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12460303850725264382024-03-12T19:04:47.403-07:00Our Stories Now: Adult Survivors of Childhood TraumaUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-61160027169228770432022-03-27T14:44:00.001-07:002022-03-27T14:49:42.764-07:00UPON THIS ANNIVERSARY<p></p><div style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMzUdnC0wcplkmbDGLP7Nt3oTZxp1JSEaqEyksLiKDy1W_Lm6cyn7Njw34a8RvT3uBuY5MDGF0Xkphoh8ijTCmsYEnzsEta1RbzSaZTSXKHlnATM7pP5BN-mITpLb_e9OtWtOCZ4XPPSJi3h3mfCzWxgiUkTHoxy_6cH_8hNtZmYx8JlJUIsJhtx4/s2486/AFCCCF5E-5B9E-4577-A52B-D0444BD0A179_1_201_a.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2486" data-original-width="1544" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMzUdnC0wcplkmbDGLP7Nt3oTZxp1JSEaqEyksLiKDy1W_Lm6cyn7Njw34a8RvT3uBuY5MDGF0Xkphoh8ijTCmsYEnzsEta1RbzSaZTSXKHlnATM7pP5BN-mITpLb_e9OtWtOCZ4XPPSJi3h3mfCzWxgiUkTHoxy_6cH_8hNtZmYx8JlJUIsJhtx4/s320/AFCCCF5E-5B9E-4577-A52B-D0444BD0A179_1_201_a.jpeg" width="199" /></a></div><br /> <span style="font-family: Cambria, serif;">UPON</span><span style="font-family: Cambria, serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria, serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Cambria, serif;">THIS ANNIVERSARY</span></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria, serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria, serif; margin: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria, serif; margin: 0in;">It has been three years since my mom’s departure from this earth. I have struggled mightily with grief, longing and feelings of helplessness. I have worked to honor her gifts to me – the beauty of water, sky, trees, birds, mountain vistas, that swing on the porch, an open book in my hands, a spontaneous dance (perhaps a do-si-do during the Garrison Keillor’s Prairie Home Companion playing on the radio or an arms high swirl and twirl to the sound of Cynthia Clawson’s “Immortal, Invisible.”) She was a studious woman who loved the deeper questions. She was a prayerful woman of deep faith accompanied by doubts and, yes, fears. She was funny. She was a grateful and frugal woman who taught me how to live richly no matter my financial circumstances. She kept a tidy, well-organized home where even if the windows were old and in disrepair they glistened due to her polishing hand. She was a natural beauty without a touch of glamour. She never understood how deeply I adored her, how very much I wanted to care for her, to protect her and comfort her after my father died and as she aged and needed advocacy and support. Today I discovered this recollection of my still living mom and my musings on loss. This is from The <span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">Community Reporter, August 2017.</span><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria, serif; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria, serif; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">THIS PRESENT PACE: Are These Our "Wonder Years"?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria, serif; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></p><p><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">It is so quiet here I can absorb the sound of the creek as it babbles over the rocks and hear the distinct songs of the Orioles. We are travellers, Michael and I, wandering and wondering these last many days. At the Pancake House in Sylvan Beach, N.Y. a fifty-something man refilled our coffee cups telling us he had spent his "wonder years" in the Midwest. "Wonder years," I thought. Then I thought of the Fred Savage television show from my children's youth and couldn't help humming the tune to its theme song, "Forever Young." Over the many miles from St. Paul to Northern Michigan; across the Mackinaw Bridge and on to Port Huron then Niagara Falls, the Adirondacks, Michael's brother's place near the Delaware River, the Finger Lakes and the visit with our children and their<br /> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">children in their home in the woods some miles from Syracuse, my thoughts returned to the concept of wonder. Lately, I have wondered a great deal about the aging process and the inevitability of loss. We recently sat terrified and numb as our oldest child's life was saved in the nick of time and he narrowly escaped a death by drowning as his heart valve failed and his lungs filled with fluid. A dear friend's amazing adult daughter died in the presence of her mother, father and husband the same day our son was saved through surgery. Sunday I sat close to my mom and sang the birthday song "Eighty-Eight Candles… (Make a lovely light)" and I wondered at my great good fortune to have a still living mom at my advanced age. Michael and I discussed the concept of the wonder years and determined those years are now. More than ever our days are spent wondering about all we cannot guess the meaning of, though, somehow, we always thought in time we would know. I wonder at the human capacity to accept what comes our way and how it is we find a space to let in the joy and to laugh, sing and dance. Time speeds up as we age and all that has seemed a vague and distant possibility begins to throw one pellet and then another our way and, if we haven't yet been felled by great grief, we wonder when our turn will come. Pema Chodrun urges us toward a practice of living beautifully in times of uncertainty and change. Wendell Berry offers "The Peace of Wild Things". </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria, serif; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">Mary Oliver asks "…tell me, what should I have done? Doesn't everything die at last and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"*<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria, serif; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">I wonder.<o:p></o:p></span></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-70567382066713862742021-12-16T12:32:00.000-08:002021-12-16T12:32:33.289-08:00An Assessment at 72<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhPhzYJ5mWhD4Iw1c8yQS3tiufqPgmYbpII1gb_Gm9_mo-emnkDPf8Hx4fQLcEsRydRD-Wdr2rjjHAYc-QZYI6Xx3tAv_MySAzDC-kNkZiAF3PsJf8-Ith6MUsnSo0cE5C4oZK-3RB-mCtgTLv4l1M14T8xizz6obnL_PxHbvxoLmdr0VPixl3bkjc=s3264" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3264" data-original-width="2448" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhPhzYJ5mWhD4Iw1c8yQS3tiufqPgmYbpII1gb_Gm9_mo-emnkDPf8Hx4fQLcEsRydRD-Wdr2rjjHAYc-QZYI6Xx3tAv_MySAzDC-kNkZiAF3PsJf8-Ith6MUsnSo0cE5C4oZK-3RB-mCtgTLv4l1M14T8xizz6obnL_PxHbvxoLmdr0VPixl3bkjc=s320" width="240" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>I was thinking today of taking some time to assess where I've been in the almost three years since losing my mom to a sad and avoidable death and my attempts to come to terms with how to leave the grief of ongoing misunderstanding and mistrust that thwarts my desire for family. I decided to revisit some of my old writings. I find I'm in a very similar place to the one that prompted this essay in January 2019, a few weeks before my mother's death. It is, in many ways, a good place, in that I recognize (once again) what I can and cannot control or, even affect. For many years my mind has played vivid scenarios for me in which people reach out, wanting to understand and wanting my love and understanding. There are so many resources available to us now for understanding the effects of abuse and trauma in a family system yet, fear often (almost always, I would venture to say) leads us to run from the stories and the struggles of those trying to come to terms. While my 2019 essay speaks of letting go of the longing and moving to a place of acceptance of my place in my family, learning to live with that without despair, and while real joy and a great deal of love, dominate my life, I cannot always avoid the longing for a confiding depth of relationship, welcome and continued reaching toward understanding and trust. So. There. I guess that's what I want to say for now. I am in a good place today so I thought I would take the time to let you know how it is with me. I know I am not alone. I know many of my friends live in a place of longing and loss simultaneous with gratefully embracing close and caring friendships. To those of you who are afraid of stories, loss or longing like mine, know that I do, on many levels, understand and I care about your fear and your sorrow too. Would I visit this place for and with you if I had been spared? I honestly don't know. I cannot know. I do know that when others trust me with their heartache and longing, I feel it as a gift and I am comforted. </b></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-36857511283356752442019-01-02T12:42:00.000-08:002019-01-02T12:42:50.026-08:00WHY SOME PEOPLE STILL BE MAD AT ME SOMETIMES... Losing the LongingCommunity Reporter, January 2019<br />
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LOSING THE LONGING<o:p></o:p></div>
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<i>Why Some People Be Mad at Me Sometimes<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>By Lucille Clifton<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>and I keep remembering mine.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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I’m reflecting today on a recent conversation with a dear friend and writer who knows a great deal about the loneliness and grief of childhood trauma. Over many years we have shared our personal stories. We talked about our lifelong quests for a sense of safety, home, and, as he calls it, “kin”. Each of us has dug deep and lingered long in the company of our blood relations, seeking to understand and seeking their understanding. We talked about the confusion inherent in setting aside the truth of our own experience in order to claim the safety of the story, the memory, the family has created in its place. My friend’s story tells of a young boy who struggles mightily with how to get free of the power-hold of an abusive father without losing the very father he loves. That same conflict haunts and pains me. For adults who grew up in a family where beatings, sexual assault, put downs, humiliation and ridicule were excused as the occasional (or frequent) mis-steps of the dad or grandad who “<i>really loves you</i>”, there remains, often for decades, a protective story that guards the abuser and sacrifices the hurt child grown to adulthood. What becomes of that child’s understanding of love? What should that child, grown now, accept and what should they walk away from? My own story is that of deep longing for an understanding, nurturing and reciprocal relationship with my family members. Sometimes I feel all I am made of is longing. At one time I thought I might interest a loving family member in partnership in something like what Adrienne Rich urges: <i>“That we know we are trying, all the time, to extend the possibilities of truth, the possibilities of life, between us”.</i>That ongoing attempt at mutual understanding, love and respect… to share in that, is what I have longed for. I came to a gradual and painful realization that I had taken every measure possible toward fulfilling this longing and the only peace available to me was to accept that it was not to be.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I relinquished longing. I hardly recognized myself once I left longing behind. To fill its place, I embraced a mantra of acceptance, contentment and serenity. I became an active and silent seeker, opening my eyes, ears, heart and mind to a life not shadowed in grief. For me, the result is deeper sleep, less compulsion to control others, broadened perspective, soul-filling song and movement, less outrage and resentment, more empathy and compassion along with greater generosity. I practice gratitude. I sing and dance without shame. I laugh out loud. I sit close with my eyes on yours, your hands in mine. Sometimes now, I feel beautiful, seen, welcome and embraced. But contentment and tranquility are not my constant home. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Each day, upon waking, when my heart fears some loss or remembrance, I place a loving hand on my own heart as if it were a needful child. I breathe deeply acknowledging my present reality. I practice longing only for the life that is mine, right here and right now. In these moments I gain strength and a sense of equilibrium to accept the day ahead and all that it will bring. I wander to my window and see the Cathedral and then the lights of the High Bridge. I read a passage from a little book that inspires me. Today I find these healing words. <i>“Grief can change people; we may become more detached, quieter, more feeling, more deeply appreciative of life’s gifts. One of these gifts is silence – the silence of tranquility.”</i>Karen Casey, <u>The Promise of a New Day<o:p></o:p></u></div>
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Deborah Padgett is a writer and visual artist. Her novel, <u>A Story Like Truth,</u>is available online and at SubText Bookstore in Saint Paul. www.padgettstudios.com<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-74055044741170083162018-09-30T12:40:00.002-07:002018-09-30T12:40:11.113-07:00IF EVER YOU SHOULD ASK<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
COMMUNITY REPORTER, OCTOBER, 2018<o:p></o:p></div>
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I would tell you this. Children are abused by priests, teachers, parents and grandparents. Trusted others abuse and traumatize children. It is the victims that need our attention. I have spoken of this before. It is difficult to be heard above the roar of outrage and the vilification of the accused. If you will sit with me for a minute, perhaps extend a hand across the table or an arm around my shoulder, I will tell you something you may not know. The parish, the family, is thrust into a fearful and threatening situation when a child is hurt and a trusted priest or parent accused. Denial and minimizing safeguard the status quo. “What will we do and how we will go on if our priest, our father, our grandparent is capable of such harm?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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In many cases where abuse is perpetrated by a trusted other, the disbelief is overwhelming. It is nearly impossible to fathom that this trusted one who showed humor, kindness, wisdom to so many, could have the ability to groom, seduce, isolate, beat, and humiliate a child. Family members or congregants rush to the side of the perpetrator. They decry the careless words and whimpers of the confused child who hardly knows what to think of his own suffering. He does not know why he feels so alone, abandoned and afraid. The child is blamed for bringing harm, loss of reputation, suspicion, loss of employment, income or standing in society, upon the accused. Perhaps the accusation is a product of a disturbed and childish mind. Perhaps it is a misunderstanding.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The singled out child becomes a threat to his family’s stability and will quickly learn to carry the weight of his sadness, loneliness and fear on his own shoulders, feeling to blame for existing and putting loved ones in danger. The family members circle the wagons, label the victim a “problem” child. They ostracize and isolate him without understanding the damage they do to the child burdened by a truth that might destroy. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Those who were not singled-out and hurt will struggle to come to terms with all they are likely to lose should they condemn the abuser and take up with the child. The family will stand together in pity and dismay that a child, still in one piece and to all appearances, perfectly fine, persists in their accusations. Those who witnessed or were otherwise aware of the abuse may fear for their own safety or security since the abuser is often the sole provider for a family or the priest relied on by so many in need. The victim, appearing no worse for wear, will be asked to keep the accusations to herself, to forgive and move on, to recognize how much the abuser helps, rather than hurts others the family or community. The child and her story, her voicing of true experience, will forever represent a threat to the story others have created to protect the abuser. This is the harm done. This is the harm unrecognized. This is the lonely and painful role into which the hurt child is cast. To all the world, the family or church, appear a safe, normal and, yes, even happy place. The hurt child makes a choice to ally herself with those who will embrace her if she is silent or speak up and walk alone, ostracized, ridiculed, pitied, explained away for the life-long pathology that she simply could not overcome. Once a system is established to make light of the abuse, the victim denies his own pain. The victim is a threat to the security of that family system. Those in the family who escaped abuse support and hold strong to one another. The hurt child is an outsider. He can either go along to get along or leave the family system and seek a sense of family elsewhere. What is so poorly understood in these situations is that bringing an end to abuse and bringing about healing requires acknowledgement. The entire family needs sustained counsel and support to understand the harm done and to heal. This cannot happen when the family denies the severity of the damage. It happens when the entire family acknowledges the need for healing and walks together toward a relationship of mutual understanding, respect and reciprocity. If the survivor is left to carry the damage alone it is likely they will never feel welcome or safe in the home or church that sacrificed them to protect the abuser.<o:p></o:p></div>
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While it is important to hold perpetrators of violence and abuse accountable and create a system that protects children, it is even more important to remove the burden of having been abused and said so from the shoulders of victims. Over time the survivor comes to be seen as the victimizer of the family in denial. The rates of mental illness, addiction, self-harm and suicide among survivors of abuse are high. Please try to understand. Understand too that it is not a failure of love to find it hard to understand but it is a failure of love to turn a blind eye and not even seek a path to understanding. Ask a survivor what it is they want you to understand about the life they live as an accuser.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<i> “I write for the still fragmented parts in me, trying to bring them together. Whoever can read and use any of this, I write for them as well.” </i>Adrienne Rich, BLOOD, BREAD & POETRY<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 9pt;">Deborah Padgett<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 9pt;">For more on Deborah Padgett’s writing and visual art please see </span><a href="http://padgettstudios.com/"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 9pt;">www.padgettstudios.com</span></a><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 9pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-15288259422278086702016-02-05T15:55:00.000-08:002016-02-05T15:19:38.585-08:00Healing from Childhood Trauma: A discussion to accompany A STORY LIKE TRUTH<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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HEALING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA<o:p></o:p></div>
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A discussion to accompany the reading of A STORY LIKE TRUTH
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The topic of childhood trauma is a difficult one for almost
everyone, regardless of his or her personal experience with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thoughts come to mind:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->How graphic will the descriptions be?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->What’s to be gained by rehashing old memories we
can do nothing about?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Everyone suffers trauma to one extent or
another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What’s the harm in just putting
it all in the past and moving on?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Is this going to be another expose by an angry,
bitter, vengeful and needy person?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->What’s the point in exposing myself to someone
else’s story of harm done?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s understandable and common, when hearing the story of a
child being treated with physical violence, neglect, cruelty and sexual
invasion to become horrified, angry and move immediately to blame, outrage and
a cry for justice and accountability.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>While this is understandable, I do not want to talk about blame,
forgiveness, justice or accountability.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
do not want to talk about who did what to whom and when and where and what
should happen to them as a result of their actions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>I want to focus exclusively on the healing that leads to
thriving.</u><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to look at, not the
how and why of the damage to the child in the wake of abuse, but to isolate the
damage…. The long-term effects that keep an individual stuck if healing does
not take place.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Each story is different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Mine is one of never being certain of safety or protection in my own
home because of my father’s unpredictable acts of rage and violence,
specifically directed at me, from the time I was less than one year old as well
as being unsafe from sexual molestation in the home or presence of my maternal
grandfather.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The best
description/visualization I’ve ever seen of what this lack of safety does to a
child is a video I saw online several months ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In it, a young boy, 8 or 10 years old, looks
to all the world like any other boy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
has a home to go to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has his own
bedroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His physical needs are provided
for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His mirror/shadow image is beside
him always but is shown as an expressionless dead weight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every where the little boy goes, everything
he does, he lifts and carries the dead weight of his lifeless self.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He rises to dress in the morning and has to
hold upright the limp weight of his damaged self.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He goes to the breakfast table and remains
vigilant that his shadow self remains upright in the chair next to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He lifts and carries his lunch box, his
backpack, dons his coat and boots and shoulders the weight of his other,
separated self as he walks to the bus stop and waits to carry himself onto the
bus and into the long day ahead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
knows no other world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He doesn’t know that
other boys his age walk freely and unencumbered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is exhausted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He aches.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He tries to look and behave like a normal boy but he doesn’t know what
normal is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some days the weight feels
nearly too heavy to bear.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What does this child need?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What would remove the weight?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What would stop his pain and his sense that he’s all on his own against
the world?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Does he need someone to take his abusive father and
grandfather in handcuffs and haul him or her off to prison?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Does he need to go to court or the police station and be
subjected to relentless questioning about who hurt him and how much and why
that’s such a problem for him when clearly, he looks just fine and he should be
grateful to have a meal on the table and a roof over his head?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Would it help him if someone told him he just needed to
understand that Daddy and Grandpa are under a lot of stress and only hurt him
like that because they’ve had such hard lives?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t think
so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What this child needs is <u>rescue</u>.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What keeps rescue from taking place?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Secrecy, shame & denial.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let’s think for a minute what has to happen for this child
to be rescued.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Someone has to notice something is wrong and
speak up.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level2 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">a.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Why doesn’t this just happen?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 1.5in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level3 lfo2; mso-text-indent-alt: -9.0pt; text-indent: -1.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span>i.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->If
this boy was sexually molested by his grandpa and he tells his mother (whose
father we’re talking about here) what are the risks to the family?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If these risks are taken and there is
significant fallout, who is to blame?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
the boy just keeps his mouth shut and carries his own secret (and the valueless
dead weight of himself) no one is hurt but him (for the time being at least…)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 1.5in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level3 lfo2; mso-text-indent-alt: -9.0pt; text-indent: -1.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span>ii.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->If
the boy comes home from Grandpa’s feeling confused, humiliated and violated and
fails to do his chores he will be dragged by the arm from the dinner table
without explanation, Dad will become red in the face with rage, slam the
bedroom door behind them and belt him until he cannot move or finds a way to
escape and run from the house.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 1.5in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level3 lfo2; mso-text-indent-alt: -9.0pt; text-indent: -1.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span>iii.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->In
this household the father’s authority is absolute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The child’s mother does not take him in her
arms when he escapes his father’s belt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She does not come to soothe him in his room after the beating. Nothing
is said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing is done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He cries himself to sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He wakes in the night screaming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is punished for screaming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a cycle from which he cannot hope to
extricate himself.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As you can imagine there are a variety of possible outcomes
for this child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the cycle continues
until he is involved in school sports or some other extra-curricular activity
and he happens to show some promise, it’s possible a caring adult will extend a
loving and caring hand and the child will feel a sense of safety in that
adult’s presence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He will possibly feel
moments of refreshment and value.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
will see himself as having some value to someone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He will likely stay away from his home as
much as possible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He may be drawn to
groups of peers where he feels some sense of power or recognition – whether
that is for positive or negative behavior is a matter of happenstance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He will long for love and affection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He will long to be seen as worthy of some
response other than brutality.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If the child suffering the abuse in the family is a girl,
she is at significant risk for being seduced and raped by adult males in
position of authority.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She will long for
the comfort of the arms of anyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her
chances of rescue by a caring adult are about 50/50 in ratio to being harmed by
an uncaring adult predator. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because of the climate of denial and secrecy surrounding
family violence and sex crimes against children most children do not receive
rescue and grow toward an uncertain and volatile future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They exhibit symptoms of a range of mental
and emotional illness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They engage in
risky sexual behaviors, petty crimes and substance abuse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their concentration and sense of right and
wrong are severely compromised and they have trouble making sense of the
decisions that might put their lives on a healthy path to self-sufficiency.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Significant rescue is likely to come only after troublesome
acting out in the teen years or beyond.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Feelings of inadequacy, confusion, self-doubt
and shame can sabotage a life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the sense
of being all-wrong gets overwhelming it can be life-threatening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In some cases feeling “all wrong” can lead to
feelings of rage toward self or others.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The effects of childhood trauma can be debilitating in a
variety of ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sometimes like to look
at the damage of abuse similarly to the damage that takes place in a person’s
life from an illness or an accident.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When it’s looked at in this way it becomes clear that blame and
retribution are irrelevant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What becomes
relevant is the need for rescue, accommodation, therapy/treatment and
ultimately, healing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A significant difficulty in healing is the invisibility of
the wounds of child abuse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can’t see
that something is wrong so we don’t realize the child is in danger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sooner a child is rescued and receives
the care necessary to healing the greater the benefit to that child and to
society at large.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A child’s view of himself is not independent of the
treatment he receives at the hands of his caretakers and the authority figures
in his life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If a small child is greeted
with welcome, warmth and delight he will grow to believe he is worthy of these
things and will learn welcome, warmth and delight toward others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If isolated and treated as an unwelcome burden
worthy of derision, beating and molestation he will necessarily respond as a
beaten animal, at first bringing to bear an instinct to fight for survival but
ultimately retreating into a numb and dark state of being.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the mental illness born of child
abuse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the broken state in which
we leave the unprotected child if we fail to provide rescue.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We know so much today about the effects of treating children
in this way and we know what is needed to bring that child back into the light
of welcome and acceptance and healing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
like to imagine that one day, when it is discovered a child has been hurt in
this way… or to put it another way, when we have a diagnosis – look at it as if
a child has been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness – say, leukemia,
diabetes or cerebral palsy – Our response as family, friends, the medical and
mental health community will be to instantly take that child into our care and
set a program of treatment and therapies toward healing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s simply not the case that there’s nothing
to be done for such a child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At any
point we recognize a child broken by abuse we can begin a course of treatment
toward healing and wholeness.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is the importance of bringing the stories of abuse into
the open light of day. Adults who were once abused children are stigmatized by
society. They are ashamed that they feel so damaged.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They don’t want to be labeled as weak and
needy or, even, crazy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They feel a
burden on their families.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If they tell
their stories they draw back the blinds on prominent and well-respected adults
who raised them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are seen as
selfish for not protecting the reputation of the adult abuser.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Congregations will fall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Classrooms will crumble. The family will be
left destitute without it’s provider.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
the child will simply keep his story to himself, all of this devastation can be
avoided (or so the thinking goes). This is why rescue seldom happens and why
the burden of shame so often crushes the abused child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Suicide is not always a single violent act.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can happen over time as a result of PTSD,
depression, situational bi-polar disorder, addiction and a relentless sense of
being a burden on family and society.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With
rescue, therapy and healing,individuals can live rich, loving and rewarding
lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With safety and welcome comes the
ability to feel rather than numb our emotions. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What it takes to heal:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Acknowledgement of injury<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Assessment of the extent of the injury<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Availability of treatment<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Freedom from fear and hardship in obtaining
therapies and treatment<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Continued research and resources applied to
discovering a cure for the damage done<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am not saying that individuals who harm children should
not be held accountable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s a
discussion for another time and perhaps for individuals concerned with law
enforcement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Children are powerless to
stop these crimes in their own homes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
don’t foresee a resolution to that dilemma.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I think what is necessary is widespread recognition that children are
sometimes in grave danger within their own homes and families.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Widespread recognition that the sooner the
hurt is diagnosed, the sooner the healing can begin. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As an adult, having only recognized that damage had been
done once I left home and began to recognize “normal” I have gone in and out of
shame, blame, denial and acquiescence to the realization that I could not
thrive simply by the force of my will alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Over the 46 years since I realized I was in need of help to be well, the
field of study surrounding child abuse and its treatment has continued to expand
and deepen so that we now know the processes/therapies/treatments and practices
that heal the wounded child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We know
that, untreated, child abuse leads to further violence in society.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It leads to depression and other forms of
mental illness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It leads to substance
abuse, risky sexual behavior, suicide and the perpetuation of violence in our
homes and communities. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a society we do a grave disservice to ourselves and our
future health and safety when we look upon those who were abused with pity and
condemnation for their inability to thrive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We need to ask ourselves if that is how we look at children who, through
no fault of their own or their families need medical attention, therapies and
cures to thrive in the face of life threatening illness or accidents.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I said at the beginning, this topic is complex and many
faceted and we could talk for days and days about all of its ramifications. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What I want to be clear about is this:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today, therapies and treatments and practices exist that can
heal the adult who was injured as a child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>These are not quick fixes and often times life long treatment is
required.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I now believe we waste
valuable time with our accusing and begging to be believed and insisting on
prosecution and holding to the idea that we cannot heal until our perpetrator
admits guilt and our families embrace us and acknowledge our stories as
truth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is no more true of healing
from child abuse than it is in healing from leukemia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want
to see the discussion of health and thriving after injury separated from the
discussions about who is to blame and how severe their punishment should be and
whether or not forgiveness is in order. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Healing from child abuse does not require that someone is
held accountable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It does not require
that anyone forgives or admits guilt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The child who is unwelcome and unloved in his family must learn he is of
value regardless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He must learn kindness
and compassion for himself and every living being.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When he can offer these inherent rights to
himself and extend them to others he breaks a cycle of violence toward himself
and the larger world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a basic
truth that when we know our own value we are capable of valuing others and I
believe it goes the other way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Until we
know our own value we cannot properly value others.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The other day I was with a group of friends and
acquaintances who were discussing their thanksgiving experiences with home and
family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One by one they described this
or that family member as “crazy”, “needy”, “narcissistic”,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“selfish”…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Each complaint issued was affirmed by another member of the group as
they described how discounted and marginalized and disregarded and
misunderstood they felt by the people with whom they had their most intimate
family ties.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They shared stories about
time after time attempting to get a family member to give them what they
craved… recognition, acknowledgement, acceptance, delight… and all to no
avail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They talked of all the times they
had tried to get close to these people and always came away being criticized,
insulted or feeling used, judged and misunderstood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saw, heard and felt the deep need each had
for simply being seen and accepted for who they are, flaws and all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the old and not so old hurts and insults were
laid on the table and each woman received a nod of approval and support for how
right she was in her condemnation of these family members who just never found
a way to treat them as they felt they deserved to be treated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I recognize myself in them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I spent many years telling anyone who would
listen about how badly I was being treated and had been treated and how
invisible and unheard and how judged and negated I felt by my family
members.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think I thought I could be
cured of the hurt if I just talked about it enough and had my indignation
validated enough times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I realize now
that it’s unlikely there will ever come a time when shared condemnation of
others will result in healing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve learned a lot about the stories we make up about other
people and about ourselves that are a result of faulty thinking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m wanting to keep it all pretty simple
nowadays.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s so basic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
about this moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s about breathing
in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s about breathing out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s about extending a welcome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s about feeling and expressing delight in
the living, breathing presence of another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here is my practice:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-style: normal; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">After years of therapy, medication, study, research
and practice I have arrived at a place of peace, ease and acceptance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This peace, ease and acceptance is solidly
mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have it to keep and to hold and
I have it to offer to my loved ones, my acquaintances and the stranger I meet
on the street.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When fear visits I
briefly lose site but I have a daily practice that takes me quickly away from
the fear and back into the truth of my peace, ease and acceptance…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve learned to recognize when fear is
dictating my responses and when I allow it to do that I am in danger of hurting
myself and others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It comes down to the
quote I cited in the A STORY LIKE TRUTH.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s from Barbara Kingsolver’s ANIMAL DREAMS. She says this.</span> <span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPS-ItalicMT; mso-bidi-font-family: TimesNewRomanPS-ItalicMT;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“The very least you can do in your life
is to figure out what you hope for, and the most you can do is to live inside
that hope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I want is so simple I
can hardly say it:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>elementary kindness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Enough to eat. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Enough to go around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The possibility that kids might one day grow
up to be neither the destroyers nor the destroyed.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-24345157051477034842014-11-30T12:15:00.005-08:002014-11-30T12:15:50.183-08:00Bittersweet Time of the Year... Still, Blessings Abound!<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #fcfcfc;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Open Sans, Apple Gothic, Century Gothic, CenturyGothic, Lucida Sans Unicode, Tahoma, Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;">The Gas Lighting technique is one familiar to victims of childhood abuse and often is a technique employed long into adulthood by an abuser and his/her supporters to influence the survivor in taking the blame/responsibility for the abuse and the long term fallout. Survivors of childhood trauma are often the victims or have been the victims of individuals with narcissistic personality disorder. It takes time and counsel to overcome a deeply ingrained sense of being somehow "all wrong". The survivor's sense of self and belief in their own perspective is often challenged (particularly in their family of origin if that is where the abuse occurred and denial continues in family members). "They might harbor feelings of anger toward the person they sense is an aggressor but also find themselves thrown into positions of anxious defensiveness, which makes them feel unjustified and unsure of themselves. If their manipulator also happens to be skilled in the art of “impression management” — displaying superficial charm and enjoying the capacity to make favorable impressions on others — those on the receiving end of their tactics are likely to feel even crazier. They might say to themselves: “I’ve always thought there was something wrong with them but perhaps there really is something wrong with </span></span></span><em style="border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', 'Apple Gothic', 'Century Gothic', CenturyGothic, 'Lucida Sans Unicode', Tahoma, 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">me</em><span style="background-color: #fcfcfc; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', 'Apple Gothic', 'Century Gothic', CenturyGothic, 'Lucida Sans Unicode', Tahoma, 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;">. After all, everyone else seems to like them.” So, in a sense, almost all manipulative behavior produces a gaslighting effect to some degree." </span></blockquote>
Here's a link to an interesting article about this technique: <a href="http://counsellingresource.com/features/2014/03/25/gaslighting-revisited-a-closer-look-at-this-manipulation-tactic/" target="_blank">Gas-lighting </a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-26114203841288413872014-07-05T12:10:00.001-07:002014-07-05T12:10:39.633-07:00If You Want a Copy of One of My Books...Some of you have asked how to get a copy of A STORY LIKE TRUTH, SOLVING LONELY and/or THE SEA IN WINTER. All three books are available at <a href="http://www.lulu.com/" target="_blank">http://www.lulu.com</a> & <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Story-Like-Truth-Deborah-Padgett/dp/1105747808/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1404587216&sr=1-1&keywords=A+Story+Like+Truth" target="_blank">Amazon.com</a><br />
or upon request at your public library, Barnes & Nobel and local Twin Cities Independent bookstores as well as Chapter2 Bookstore in Hudson, Wisconsin. CLADDAGH CAFE, SubText and ARTISTA BODDEGA (On W7th) also carry the books. Contact me if you have any trouble getting your hands on a book you desire. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-29926633145678360182014-01-28T07:14:00.003-08:002014-01-28T07:14:43.226-08:00"Darling, I Care About This Suffering" Thich Nhat HanhHere's a wonderful website for guided meditations:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.tarabrach.com/audioarchives-guided-meditations.html" target="_blank">Tara Brach, Meditation, Emotional Healing</a><br />
<br />
<br />
Today I found great comfort in her Awakening Compassion (Tonglen) Meditation<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-7855392006387434252014-01-14T10:53:00.001-08:002014-01-14T10:53:42.235-08:00My Yoga Instructor Played this and made me cry and want to share it with all of you….<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/xWnjEMbFFME" width="459"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-53019998216500748822013-11-16T12:31:00.002-08:002013-11-23T14:39:43.163-08:00PAX SALON, Tuesday, December 3, 6:30 P.M., Saint Paul Gallery, 943 W 7th Street, St. Paul, 55102<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtERN8WqrVocOPthI1xWGhR7WDSTbPByfyhSrFOdfv3r6f7o8c-IJi5W98gIVObTqIY5F39QmCx8ign2eEJa3FZd9BFdP2wwcpNNCz_ro-s_ceDJxZWU6AhDoFw9oAaHnOUbzg1nEGy-8/s1600/debsnowmanforcover3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtERN8WqrVocOPthI1xWGhR7WDSTbPByfyhSrFOdfv3r6f7o8c-IJi5W98gIVObTqIY5F39QmCx8ign2eEJa3FZd9BFdP2wwcpNNCz_ro-s_ceDJxZWU6AhDoFw9oAaHnOUbzg1nEGy-8/s400/debsnowmanforcover3.jpg" width="266" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="color: #38761d; font-size: large;">A STORY LIKE TRUTH by Deborah McWatters Padgett<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="color: #38761d; font-size: large;">Join us for our PAX Salon, Tuesday, December 3, for a timely discussion of Deborah’s novel that tells a true story about the long-term effects of childhood trauma on those reaching toward a life of thriving. With the recent fervor to bring perpetrators of child abuse to justice have we forgotten to provide the victims of abuse with a system of treatment and care that will assure they thrive? Lifelong effects are legion and overlooked while perpetrators are paraded before us as if all that needs to happen is to punish the criminals. Untreated mental illness, suicide & substance abuse are rampant in society partially because of the prevalence of crimes against children. Deborah’s books can be purchased at SubText, Chapter2 Books, Claddagh, Saint Paul Public Libraries and <a href="http://amazon.com/">Amazon.com</a>. Visit her blog on resources toward healing at <a href="http://www.padgettstudios.com/">www.padgettstudios.com</a>.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="color: #38761d;">Deborah, a resident of the West 7<sup>th</sup> community of St. Paul is a frequent contributing columnist to THE COMMUNITY REPORTER, an avid reader, writer & painter as well as a survivor of childhood emotional, physical and sexual abuse in the context of family. </span> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">November 23, 2013<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">A STORY LIKE TRUTH: Readers' </span><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Discussion Guide</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">“</span><b><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Owning
Your Story</span></i></b><i><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Writing
autobiographical narratives can be therapeutic according to many trauma
experts, writers and therapists. Still, “facing the truth” by simply telling
the world your story cannot in and of itself heal the inner world of trauma.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: 14pt;">We know
that early trauma has permanent consequences—you don’t outgrow it, you don’t
get over it, the broken parts of the psyche may not be capable of learning
anything new. If A Story Like Truth has
a lesson to teach, it may be that the rhetoric of victory often masks pain.
Ultimately, the only way to affirm the teller’s story is to reach out and to
care for it—as we would the little self that is the small child in all of us.”</span></i><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> Miriam Rothstein, Excerpt from review of
Deborah Padgett’s A STORY LIKE TRUTH<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">[Author’s Note:
</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">The author completed her story in 2001 and just prior to publication
in 2012 she made editorial changes but did not add details regarding the life
of Miriam beyond the point of finding refuge and solace and a forward motion in
her living.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">{Discussion notes for presentation: Brief
discussion concerning “the years since…”
Why are “the years since” an
issue? Or are they?}<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">1. “Pain
is real. Suffering is optional.” In a story like truth how does Miriam deal
with her pain?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 14pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">As
a child</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 14pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">As
a young adult</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 14pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Finally</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">2.
Readers have commented about Miriam’s internal dialogue, musing,
imagining and intellectualizing. Why do
you think her character was presented this way? What does it say about Miriam’s
psychological state and her relationship to others?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">3. What
is your understanding of the long-term effects of childhood trauma? Are the
effects the same regardless of the perpetrators being home/family or trusted
other in clergy/school? What might be the differences?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">4. What
resources are currently available to aid in healing victims of abuse?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">5. Do
you think more attention should be brought to prosecution & accountability
or is the current system satisfactory?
What benefits accrue to victims through prosecution/accountability of
perpetrators?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">6. What do
you think survivors of abuse are seeking in sharing their stories?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">7. What
role does shame play, overall, in stories of childhood abuse? For perpetrators,
public, family, the victim?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">8. Were
you surprised by Miriam’s letter to her father?
If so, in what way? If not, how
did it make sense to you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">9. Do
you believe society carries more blatant outrage regarding sexual abuse or
physical violence toward children? If a
child suffers from a combination of the two are the effects similarly damaging
or intensified or something else entirely?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">10. How
do the effects of abuse reveal themselves in the lives of the individuals who
experienced the abuse? What kind(s) of
support would it be good to bring to bear and/or make apparent to such
individuals?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">11. Do
you consider yourself to be fully aware of the instances of childhood abuse and
the circumstances appropriate as response to its occurrence? Would you share some of your knowledge?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">12. If
you suffered from sexual/physical/emotional abuse would you consider
telling/sharing your story? Why or why
not? As a survivor, thriving or
otherwise, do you find help or comfort in the stories of other individuals with
similar experience to yours? Do their
stories trigger pain and suffering in you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">13. One
reader added this point for discussion: “</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 14.0pt;">victims of abuse usually think it’s their own
fault. This often leads to needy behavior later because they always feel that
need to compensate for being “bad.” What
about the “Needy” construct? Do you
think that people share their stories, songs & pictures because they are
“Needy”? The desire to be seen and
acknowledged as having value perhaps comes into play here. Some believe freedom comes with a deep-down
knowing we have value regardless of acknowledgement. More often than not it is important to steer
clear of people whose message is “you have little or no value.” Sometimes it is difficult for a person who does
not value him/herself to discern whether being dismissed or valued because their
emotional filter needs adjustment. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Consider
your own thinking in regard to individuals you know who struggle with mental
illness, depression or who have been victimized/traumatized by violence (sexual
or otherwise). Is there an assumption of
“neediness?” When they begin to share
their story do you sometimes label them as “needy” as a way to move away from
the painful experience of being near them?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Depression
and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and even situational Bi-Polar Disorder are
often diagnosed in individuals traumatized as children. In LOSING CLEMENTINE, Ashley Ream’s character
with Bi Polar disease says this: <i>“The
thing about being crazy is that you know you are even when you can’t do
anything about it. You know how you look
to other people, and the shame of it is almost worse than the thing itself.”</i>
P. 248<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 14.0pt;">What
are your thoughts on the above quote as they relate to individuals recovering
from childhood trauma?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 14.0pt;"><a href="http://www.padgettstudios.com/">www.padgettstudios.com</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 14.0pt;">link
from this site to blog about OUR STORIES NOW<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-34839372065233209422013-11-16T12:17:00.001-08:002013-11-16T12:17:17.101-08:00A Couple of New Links (Resources) for all you Thrivers!<a href="http://meditation.com/meditations/Body_Scan_Meditation_for_Relaxation" target="_blank">Meditation Site You Might Like</a><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3JCiBCJKjYJDX9PAXzY_uTY9QWJHFu7U_yzKA-WbrDc_fZHlCBdpdiOSp4KXhTNW58A5NMzh9E8HAtJe5B4bhk-X6HQb7MvMa1PAikIfpygc4YT0MB24bt2dXnG7VTAM_9p6CElsKg-s/s1600/IMG_1806.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3JCiBCJKjYJDX9PAXzY_uTY9QWJHFu7U_yzKA-WbrDc_fZHlCBdpdiOSp4KXhTNW58A5NMzh9E8HAtJe5B4bhk-X6HQb7MvMa1PAikIfpygc4YT0MB24bt2dXnG7VTAM_9p6CElsKg-s/s320/IMG_1806.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
New inspirational book: <a href="http://outwriteliving.com/new-book-wide-awake-every-day/" target="_blank"> http://outwriteliving.com/new-book-wide-awake-every-day/</a></div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-5511647833789976922013-10-11T09:32:00.001-07:002013-10-11T09:32:13.088-07:00Uplifting and Healing Resources: New Contributions<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip6ZQGrD8e7yL9kg0Qqe84hLCRwvUDySKRxTRrezFrUnkMp2UTQEyRRB3rl_61f0Vg5BnzCOtExHRIc_fy-BfTna7HOsgwpsb5kB144N2dxvJ7PFdSk3jEXb9daskl3npvRaBiLu3QjD8/s1600/IMG_1393.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip6ZQGrD8e7yL9kg0Qqe84hLCRwvUDySKRxTRrezFrUnkMp2UTQEyRRB3rl_61f0Vg5BnzCOtExHRIc_fy-BfTna7HOsgwpsb5kB144N2dxvJ7PFdSk3jEXb9daskl3npvRaBiLu3QjD8/s320/IMG_1393.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From my summer sanctuary at Itasca State Park</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I haven't added posts here for some time now but that doesn't mean I've forgotten the importance of community in my own growth or that of my fellow travelers. My moment to moment and daily quest toward peace building through compassionate living grows richer by the hour. I've added some links today to books and sites you may find helpful. Current involvements toward world-changing healthful living include:<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>EMDR Therapy (related to PTSD triggers) Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. Google it if you are interested in learning what it's about.</li>
<li>An 8 week class in MINDFULNESS BASED STRESS RELIEF (relying on the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD.) For those of you interested classes are often covered by insurance under your mental health coverage if you have a diagnosis related to childhood trauma).</li>
<li>Study and work related to NON-VIOLENT COMMUNICATION (I've posted a link here. Scroll down.)</li>
<li>Regular exposure to the work of Dr. Brene Brown, Pema Chodrun, Thicht Nhat Hanh & Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.</li>
<li>Yoga and Water Exercise </li>
<li>Music, music and more music.... Dancing, singing & swaying. Will occasionally post a play list or a selection from my daily hits.</li>
<li>Attentive to Breathing</li>
<li>Attentive to Laughter</li>
<li>Attentive to Delight</li>
</ul>
<div>
Right now outside my window I hear the crisp sound of the dried and fallen leaves blowing across the sidewalk, falling from the trees and brushing away the traces of summer. My heart is open. I wish you comfort and healing.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-42213166228375286842013-10-11T09:06:00.001-07:002013-10-11T09:06:29.484-07:00Pema Chodron: The Propensity To Be Bothered<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/al6McckBaCQ" width="459"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-50555553328542577992013-10-11T08:54:00.001-07:002013-10-11T08:54:24.705-07:00Full Catastrophe Living (Revised Edition) by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Preface by Thich Nhat Hanh, Foreword by Joan Borysenko - Random House<a href="http://www.randomhouse.com/book/89149/full-catastrophe-living-revised-edition-by-jon-kabat-zinn#.UlgfG1nVtlI.blogger">Full Catastrophe Living (Revised Edition) by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Preface by Thich Nhat Hanh, Foreword by Joan Borysenko - Random House</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-17039620535584090442013-05-13T10:09:00.001-07:002013-05-13T10:24:25.745-07:00THIS IS TO MOTHER YOU... & POWER OF TWO YouTubeMy dear and loving daughter sent me this for Mother's Day<br />
<br />
I think it's such a good addition for anyone visiting this blog... <a href="http://youtu.be/IdeMkywlS54" target="_blank">THIS IS TO MOTHER YOU</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://youtu.be/hj0yVN8pFNw" target="_blank">POWER OF TWO </a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-56557155027850201262013-04-07T07:55:00.001-07:002013-04-07T07:55:48.719-07:00Our Stories Now: Adult Survivors of Childhood Trauma: This Doctor Had A Breakdown, Saw A Therapist, And ...<a href="http://astoryliketruth.blogspot.com/2013/04/this-doctor-had-breakdown-saw-therapist.html?spref=bl">Our Stories Now: Adult Survivors of Childhood Trauma: This Doctor Had A Breakdown, Saw A Therapist, And ...</a>: This is just too wonderful and helpful not to share: Would love to hear (see) your comments on this one. This Doctor Had A Breakdown,...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-692269541023454632013-04-07T07:53:00.002-07:002013-04-07T07:53:21.303-07:00This Doctor Had A Breakdown, Saw A Therapist, And Ended Up Changing Lives, Link<h1>
This is just too wonderful and helpful not to share: Would love to hear (see) your comments on this one. </h1>
<h1>
<a href="http://www.upworthy.com/this-doctor-had-a-breakdown-saw-a-therapist-and-ended-up-changing-lives?g=2" target="_blank">This Doctor Had A Breakdown, Saw A Therapist, And Ended Up Changing Lives</a></h1>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-40179993699319376722013-03-09T08:43:00.001-08:002013-03-09T08:43:41.078-08:00How are you really feeling? Words for your emotions part 1/3 I have a new homework assignment and it's a tough one. I've been asked to say how I feel when I think or experience a particular situation... And this is difficult enough because so often I use thinking words rather than feeling words. I think I'm feeling something but, in truth I'm thinking it.... AAAAARGH! Well, the reason this is an important exercise it that, once I've identified a feeling, I am supposed to identify where that feeling occurs in my body. In other words, "How does that feeling manifest itself?" I understand I get into trouble when I decide I've felt something rather than thought it and then attribute the feeling to the circumstances or individual causing me to feel a particular way... It's faulty thinking. I need to work on this and if you're anything like me perhaps you do too?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.tap4health.com/how-are-you-really-feeling-words-for-your-emotions-part-13/#.UTtlmDk33kI.blogger">How are you really feeling? Words for your emotions part 1/3</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-12227088204118815062013-01-28T06:58:00.001-08:002013-01-28T06:58:12.305-08:00ENCOURAGING WORDS REGARDING GRIEF AND AMBIGUOUS LOSS...THE POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER SOURCEBOOK, Schiraldi:<br />
<br />
From Chapter 28, <i>Grieving Losses: "We grieve what we value; we grieve in proportion to our afftection." -- from memorial to Jane Austen, Winchester Cathedral.</i><br />
<br />
"All the many complex issues involved in PTSD must be disentangled for recovery to proceed. Grief is one such issue. All events that are significant enough to cause PTSD involve loss, yet grief often gets buried in the struggle for survival. Perhaps you were too numbed to grieve. Perhaps you were too busy or were discouraged from grieving. Perhaps some aspects of the trauma still feel so overwhelming that you have avoided them. These reactions are all normal. However, continually avoiding the normal, healthy feelings of grief keep unresolved memories of loss in active memory, emotionally charged, and likely to intrude. <br />
<br />
"Grief memories are processed much like other aspects of traumatic memories at your own pace and when you are ready. Losses are confronted and processed so that meaningful adjustments and adaptations can be made in our lives. Of course, adjustments can only be made if we clearly acknowledge the nature of our losses. We can't adapt and find new ways to satisfy the void if losses are not confronted. Losses that are buried -- not explored, experienced, and expressed -- can erupt at inopportune times, resulting in a host of physical and emotional symptoms. The more we fear facing the pain of loss, the more we remain in bondage to the past. So it is important to process our losses." page 248.<br />
<br />
The above paragraphs begin a several page chapter that offers useful and comforting information to make sense of the complicated mourning that is involved in recovering from and living beyond trauma. <br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTT91qe-erG398PnBaWzwmyktLPq1yB8qg_S987RjY6l8aJryYaFHmDuxY4-PaYh2WYPA1ksr5fYRIDGLF07kQ1AjuttVJg6CChCa-0Ozq6sFUe0XT7vh_j6-rvSzdJ6Qn5Enzmf3Gp1Y/s1600/PTSDsourcebook.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTT91qe-erG398PnBaWzwmyktLPq1yB8qg_S987RjY6l8aJryYaFHmDuxY4-PaYh2WYPA1ksr5fYRIDGLF07kQ1AjuttVJg6CChCa-0Ozq6sFUe0XT7vh_j6-rvSzdJ6Qn5Enzmf3Gp1Y/s320/PTSDsourcebook.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
I'm finding this entire book an excellent resource... I hope you will find something here to aid in your living.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-9435788243407254172013-01-17T10:30:00.003-08:002013-01-17T10:30:35.265-08:00SONG OF THE DAY: MY, MY, MY... Lyrics & MusicRob Thomas... This is a great sing along... MY, MY, MY by Rob Thomas<br />
<br />
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<a href="http://youtu.be/N1p-2HaFIR4">http://youtu.be/N1p-2HaFIR4</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-73782473535090323002013-01-15T12:44:00.002-08:002013-01-15T12:54:13.658-08:00MUSIC'S EFFECT ON PTSD AND ALZHEIMER'S SUFFERERS<a href="http://youtu.be/goIaFST2Epw">http://youtu.be/goIaFST2Epw</a><br />
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This video lecture demonstrates the importance of music for healing and brain function for individuals who suffer from anxiety and fear. Sleep disorders, Alzheimer's, relationship maintenance... Well, take a look and see what you think.<br />
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Wanted to mention too a highly user-friendly book I picked up at the library last week:<br />
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THE POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER SOURCE BOOK by Glenn R. Schiraldi<br />
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<span class="ptBrand"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder-Sourcebook-Recovery/dp/007161494X/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358283071&sr=1-2#reader_007161494X">http://www.amazon.com/Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder-Sourcebook-Recovery/dp/007161494X/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358283071&sr=1-2#reader_007161494X</a></span></h3>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-20265212048060749402013-01-06T12:09:00.001-08:002013-01-15T12:20:35.676-08:00The SIDRAN Institute, A Link<a href="http://www.sidran.org/sub.cfm?sectionID=1">http://www.sidran.org/sub.cfm?sectionID=1</a><br />
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If you are seeking further information on what you, as a survivor or a loved-one of a survivor check this website. Lots of helpful information here. I am still seeking a site with discussion forums related to PTSD from childhood trauma. If you find one I would love to hear from you. Most sites are either substance abuse related or war-trauma related. Maybe we can help each other... Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-70964566642926169432013-01-04T08:16:00.004-08:002013-01-04T08:20:00.506-08:00LONG TIME SUN... I love to sing this song. It makes me smile and opens my heart to loving kindness.<br />
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<a href="http://youtu.be/DYO1yc60jiM">Long Time Sun</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-91383115244931490462012-12-18T08:13:00.001-08:002012-12-18T08:13:57.474-08:00REMEMBER, TOO, THE NAMES OF THE SURVIVORS...Soon our hearts and minds will necessarily turn to the survivors. Their long lives ahead are forever changed by what they experienced and are still experiencing in the wake of the tragedy in what should have been their safe place. What will become of the children? It's up to us to guide them. But how? This is uncharted territory for all of us isn't it? There are those who know though. We can learn how children grieve. We can learn to listen to them and watch them for signs of what they need from us. Professionals and specialists and educators can tell us a lot about post traumatic effects, that those effects are sometimes life-long... Yes, children are resilient but we must be very careful not to dismiss what they are going through as insignificant. What can we do? We can read and study and share information so we can be there for these children as they grow to be adults. We ignore these effects of childhood trauma at our peril. For some children safety cannot even be found in their homes. There is the danger that the adults who represent safety to surviving children will be consumed by their own grief and devastation. We cannot allow it to be a lonely and private grief. Extend an arm to the shoulder of the sufferer, pull them close, breathe with them, share their tears, listen to their sorrows ... show them they are not alone and they are as important in their survival as the ones lost to us are in their passing.<br />
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Never forget. Never forget. Remember, too, the living....<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246030385072526438.post-22124507002275978772012-12-18T07:53:00.001-08:002012-12-18T07:53:16.365-08:00Hallelujah - The Voice (Tribute to victims with Leonard Cohens)<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/B-SeKsVm7YE?fs=1" width="480"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0