Soon our hearts and minds will necessarily turn to the survivors. Their long lives ahead are forever changed by what they experienced and are still experiencing in the wake of the tragedy in what should have been their safe place. What will become of the children? It's up to us to guide them. But how? This is uncharted territory for all of us isn't it? There are those who know though. We can learn how children grieve. We can learn to listen to them and watch them for signs of what they need from us. Professionals and specialists and educators can tell us a lot about post traumatic effects, that those effects are sometimes life-long... Yes, children are resilient but we must be very careful not to dismiss what they are going through as insignificant. What can we do? We can read and study and share information so we can be there for these children as they grow to be adults. We ignore these effects of childhood trauma at our peril. For some children safety cannot even be found in their homes. There is the danger that the adults who represent safety to surviving children will be consumed by their own grief and devastation. We cannot allow it to be a lonely and private grief. Extend an arm to the shoulder of the sufferer, pull them close, breathe with them, share their tears, listen to their sorrows ... show them they are not alone and they are as important in their survival as the ones lost to us are in their passing.
Never forget. Never forget. Remember, too, the living....
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Friday, November 30, 2012
For Our Loved Ones: WHAT I WOULD TELL YOU IF YOU ASKED
The greatest mistake loved-ones make in regard to the survivor of childhood abuse and trauma is to hold to the idea that it does not have anything to do with the family, but is only the problem of the one who was hurt. This is no more valid than thinking that a child with Cerebral Palsy will not effect the family who shares the ill child's home. The most important thing you can do for your surviving/thriving, Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome effected family member is to take some time to learn the long-term (life-long) effects of having been traumatized. Oftentimes the survivor was singled out among the entire family for abuse so is seen as crazy, overly-sensitive, needy and requiring undo attention or pity. Many families spend years and decades and sometimes a life-time feeling guilty or blamed and it wears them down with resentment toward the individual who was hurt. This becomes an ingrained family pattern and the behavior is subconscious on the part of everyone involved. The survivor is welcome in the family only if she behaves as if she is just fine and needs nothing. This would be perfectly acceptable if complete recovery from child abuse was possible. The sad truth is that the effects are life-long in most cases unless the child is rescued from the abusive situation and cared for in the way they deserve prior to adulthood.
Here's a simple tip ... A way to look at the survivor with welcome and compassion without pity or worrying either way about blame or retribution. Let's say one child in a family of several children is hurt in an accident that changes that child's entire life. Maybe he/she lost the use of her limbs or struggled with autism or cerebral palsy... In these cases the family and loved ones will often meet with specialists and ask questions regarding what the hurt child will need to live as normal a life as possible. In a family where a child is seriously ill or disabled it is not simply that child's problem. It is a family situation. This is also true in a situation where a mental illness exists. The entire family needs care, understanding and participation toward being a healthy and whole environment for each other. The family members will ask: What's the long-term prognosis? What tools, methods, therapies are there to assist this person toward thriving? What does he/she need from me? Now-a-days, the family members are likely to GOOGLE, GOOGLE & GOOGLE again...
It's true that in these families where a child will forever require adjustments to be made that there is an additional burden on the family. Some families will not feel able to take on that burden and they will give the child into the care of others. Some families where a child has been debilitated in some way, seek support, therapy and adjust life to accommodate the child and make certain that the child does not feel they are a burden -- knows they are welcome and that the family members are delighted to have them in their world.
In situations where the abuse and trauma took place in the childhood home and the abuser was protected the child is often traumatized repeatedly throughout life by ongoing contact with family members. It's not that these family members want to hurt the survivor. It's that they do not know what to do. They are sometimes too ashamed to ask. Oftentimes the shame associated with being seen as a family that housed a cruel and careless monster of some sort keeps the family from asking how they can be a safe place for their loved one. If the family members never learn that they too were effected by this family dynamic their lack of awareness about the life-long effects on a child of having grown up afraid and unwelcome in that home results in behavior that triggers a painful and, at times, debilitating response in the survivor. An adult survivor can heal effectively through therapy, sharing stories, self-care and understanding what happened to them and how it changed them. If the family members of the survivor find her presence, her story, her desire to be listened to and welcome a burden or a reminder of their own pain or sense of guilt, they will often express an attitude of disdain, discomfort or even try to make the survivor feel they've brought all this on themselves and the family. The survivor becomes the "black sheep", the "one off" and/or the "trouble-maker." If they ask the survivor to collude with them in their belief the family at large was unaffected the survivor has to deny that she matters in any way. She sacrifices her own sense of sanity and her own sense she deserves kindness, care and welcome.
It is important and appropriate for survivors of child abuse, trauma, rape, war and/or terror to stand firm in their knowledge that what happened to them was undeserved and in no way their fault. If the survivor is to be free of self-hatred and the desire to relieve the world of the burden of their existence it sometimes becomes necessary to remove herself from the people and their voices who would hold her responsible for their guilt, their fear and their pain.
How can you, as my loved one, help? You can learn what life is like for the adult survivor. You can say this: "What are you going through Sweetie? Is there something you want me to understand? " You can learn about the survivor's world. You can bring your knowledge to understanding and respecting her. You can listen and learn and not judge. You can have faith in her. You can give her advice only if she asks... You can tell her how much it means to you that she has brought her full courage to surviving, thriving and bringing her gifts to this world.
Here's a simple tip ... A way to look at the survivor with welcome and compassion without pity or worrying either way about blame or retribution. Let's say one child in a family of several children is hurt in an accident that changes that child's entire life. Maybe he/she lost the use of her limbs or struggled with autism or cerebral palsy... In these cases the family and loved ones will often meet with specialists and ask questions regarding what the hurt child will need to live as normal a life as possible. In a family where a child is seriously ill or disabled it is not simply that child's problem. It is a family situation. This is also true in a situation where a mental illness exists. The entire family needs care, understanding and participation toward being a healthy and whole environment for each other. The family members will ask: What's the long-term prognosis? What tools, methods, therapies are there to assist this person toward thriving? What does he/she need from me? Now-a-days, the family members are likely to GOOGLE, GOOGLE & GOOGLE again...
It's true that in these families where a child will forever require adjustments to be made that there is an additional burden on the family. Some families will not feel able to take on that burden and they will give the child into the care of others. Some families where a child has been debilitated in some way, seek support, therapy and adjust life to accommodate the child and make certain that the child does not feel they are a burden -- knows they are welcome and that the family members are delighted to have them in their world.
In situations where the abuse and trauma took place in the childhood home and the abuser was protected the child is often traumatized repeatedly throughout life by ongoing contact with family members. It's not that these family members want to hurt the survivor. It's that they do not know what to do. They are sometimes too ashamed to ask. Oftentimes the shame associated with being seen as a family that housed a cruel and careless monster of some sort keeps the family from asking how they can be a safe place for their loved one. If the family members never learn that they too were effected by this family dynamic their lack of awareness about the life-long effects on a child of having grown up afraid and unwelcome in that home results in behavior that triggers a painful and, at times, debilitating response in the survivor. An adult survivor can heal effectively through therapy, sharing stories, self-care and understanding what happened to them and how it changed them. If the family members of the survivor find her presence, her story, her desire to be listened to and welcome a burden or a reminder of their own pain or sense of guilt, they will often express an attitude of disdain, discomfort or even try to make the survivor feel they've brought all this on themselves and the family. The survivor becomes the "black sheep", the "one off" and/or the "trouble-maker." If they ask the survivor to collude with them in their belief the family at large was unaffected the survivor has to deny that she matters in any way. She sacrifices her own sense of sanity and her own sense she deserves kindness, care and welcome.
It is important and appropriate for survivors of child abuse, trauma, rape, war and/or terror to stand firm in their knowledge that what happened to them was undeserved and in no way their fault. If the survivor is to be free of self-hatred and the desire to relieve the world of the burden of their existence it sometimes becomes necessary to remove herself from the people and their voices who would hold her responsible for their guilt, their fear and their pain.
How can you, as my loved one, help? You can learn what life is like for the adult survivor. You can say this: "What are you going through Sweetie? Is there something you want me to understand? " You can learn about the survivor's world. You can bring your knowledge to understanding and respecting her. You can listen and learn and not judge. You can have faith in her. You can give her advice only if she asks... You can tell her how much it means to you that she has brought her full courage to surviving, thriving and bringing her gifts to this world.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Survivors of Childhood Trauma Now: What Are We Going Through?
Who we are, what we look like, our jobs, interests, pleasures, joys, struggles... Are myriad. Each survivor's story is unique. Most survivors' stories remain mysteries to the world at large, and often are mysteries even to the family and friends of the survivor. I've come to believe the pictures we make and the stories we tell -- the songs and poems we write -- the music we create, the dance we live are means to healing, not only our own wounds, but a means to larger healing in the world.
I am a survivor of physical, emotional and sexual abuse at the hands and in the home of my parents and my grandparents. A tremendous amount of healing has gone on in my life and I now experience a marriage and a community of friends, children and grandchildren who are my champions and my safe place to rest and be my best self.
I recently published my story, A STORY LIKE TRUTH, a fictional memoir that tells my story in the form of a character who does not bear my name, does not share my career and whose heritage is somewhat different than my own. My character shares with me the experience of being beaten, threatened, humiliated and neglected by her father in her childhood home. My character shares with me the experience of being sexually abused by my mother's father several times between the ages of three and eight. My character shares the effects of grasping, voiceless and blind for safety and purpose over a period of decades after leaving home the first chance she had as a teenager. I call my book a "novel" yet it reads very much as a memoir. Though I don't know yet the true ending to my story, I have created a mid-life resolution for my character that leaves her free, safe and thriving after walking away from her family of origin whose denial served to re-traumatize her when she allowed them access to her.
My family of origin has known my story for more than forty years. They've let the story come in and out of focus off and on and always briefly. They wish I would get over it already. They've expressed how tiresome it is for me to tell how I continue to struggle and sometimes hurt from the message that was beaten into me... that of what a burden I was, how troublesome and demanding... For many of my adult years -- For the most part, just these past ten years since my father died -- I have imagined I could retain a sense of wholeness and safety in the presence of my mother and my siblings. I thought I could be my true self, sometimes share what I was going through, be there to listen to their stories and what they are going through. I subscribed to the concept that "we teach people how we want to be treated" and thought that by being in their presence, lifting them up, championing them, delighting in their gifts and contributions I would, in time, be the recipient of similar treatment. I eagerly awaited their compassionate responses to my fully telling my story ... I thoroughly expected they would want to take the time to read it, hear it told, front to finish... That all these years they might have longed to know what it was like to be me growing to become the woman I am now. Over the years, when in their presence, I've felt the damper it would put on any conversation for me to make reference to the trauma that came before, so I rarely spoke of it or the ongoing struggle of finding a welcome in the world. {In my mind I hear the scoffing now -- their version being I imposed it on them constantly..} I asked after them, I hosted them, I gave them gifts made of my hands, held them, sang them songs, played games with them, asked if there was anything they needed or wanted from me that I could give, apologized for the hurt I caused (often for my very existence). I took the blame on myself for pain they experienced in proximity to me.
In recent months since my book was published and my story was made public I have experienced a renewal of trauma in regard to my family. At first my mother read my story and expressed her sorrow for not providing me with protection and told me I was courageous and a fine, fine writer. I was grateful she was able to read my story. I have forgiven her for her role in what I suffered as a child. She has been protective of my father and my grandfather and wanted my story to be a secret effecting no one but me. When my older sister was presented with the opportunity to read my story she declined interest saying she couldn't bring herself to read something that presented her parents in such a negative light. My other three siblings and my brothers-in-law said nothing. They never mentioned if they would read the book or not. Never acknowledged its publication. A local paper interviewed me about my childhood experience, my lifetime of coming to terms and about the book itself. My older sister was angered by my characterization of my father and upset at my thoughtlessness in sharing the article publicly in that distance family members and friends of my mother might hear the story and the family skeletons (which I thought had been out in the open for many, many years...) would be revealed and our mother's feelings would be hurt. She chastised me for my insensitivity to my mother's feelings. In an effort to let my other siblings know what I was going through and that I was being bullied by my older sister, I shared with them and my mother her email to me and my responses to her. As a result I received emails from two other siblings telling me what they thought I should do and how I should do it and to basically leave them out of this... that it really had nothing to do with them as far as they could see. I received letters and emails from my mom asking me to explain myself and site witnesses to scenes she herself had witnessed but couldn't acknowledge. It became clear to me that there really was not a single family member who was willing to hear my story. I would be welcome only in my willingness to buy into a family myth that denied the truth of my experience or, if they had once acknowledged that truth they fully expected I was over it now, it was in the past and, as far as they cared to know I was just fine and they were not interested in knowing otherwise. I realized not one of them had read a book or done any research on the on-going effects of childhood abuse in one's family of origin. Did they know anything about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Did they know the stories of other survivors? Did they know that recovery and healing and ultimate thriving are not about blaming and guilt and shame... No. After the sad barrage of emails among family members I received a nice note from my middle sister saying how sad she was that my feelings had been hurt so badly by my older sister and I wrote back to say how sweet it was that she chose those words for me. Because I found myself experiencing full-blown PTSD symptoms when I allowed my mom and/or siblings to tell me what they thought, how they felt, what was bothering them about me, how much they had cared in the past, how much they had done for me over the years... I felt a need for protection from their judging voices. I asked them to communicate with me only through my husband for the time being. I sought treatment, comfort and safety because I had returned to a place of self-hatred for the burden my existence and presence in their lives represented. It hurt so much I just wanted to fade away. I am afraid I will never feel safe from their message that I am a nuisance, a burden and a selfish trouble maker. Any message my husband has received from the three who have made contact has expressed anger and frustration with me. I'm embarrassed to admit how much it would mean to me to have one or more of them say to me, "Hi Sweetheart... What's happening for you? What are you going through? Do you need somebody to listen? Just listen and be there for you? I can do that... " Without that I don't know if I can ever go near...
There. That's my story today. I've been seeking your stories. I did find an interesting article published a year or so ago in PSYCHOLOGY TODAY that is pretty clear about the ongoing effects of childhood abuse and trauma and I think I'll post the link here. Maybe we can get a conversation going ... I'm eager to learn about how you folks who were so badly hurt as children by trusted others are faring... What is you story like today? Was it your priest? Your teacher? Another trusted family member or friend? Who supports you in your healing (in your health) today? Has your family gathered 'round?
PSYCHOLOGY TODAY ARTICLE
The Lingering Trauma of Child Abuse
Child abuse can cause psychological ramifications for many years.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/somatic-psychology/201104/the-lingering-trauma-child-abuse-0
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